The Beginning
Today I experienced a tidal wave of money shame. I've felt the tidal wave before but didn't realize it was a shame tidal wave; nausea, soul-sickness, fear, anxiety, appetite suppression or acceleration, racing thoughts, a sinking feeling...these are all my shame symptoms balled into one tidal wave. Today, walking down a peaceful neighborhood street on my lunch break (for once listening to that little whisper inside that said "you need to go for a walk" instead of eating a candy bar) it came to me. I saw the tidal wave of panic for what it is: shame. And in the next breath I remembered reading somewhere that the antidote to shame is sunlight. Let the shame source out. Bring the secret fear out into the open. It's terrifying. I know. What will people think? But I have to do this. I believe I am not alone. I have to believe (and also, I googled it) that many of us suffer with money shame. I am going to put my story out there and heal myself.
So from here on out, I'm going to do it. Type up every last little word and number associated with my giant tidal wave of shame. Let it out there for the world to see, for the sunlight to heal.
Oh, what will my friends think? (Andria: you're such a failure, gross, what a mess you are. Or, Andria: thank goodness you shared this, no soul should bear that burden alone, let me hug you friend.)
What about my neighbors? (Andria: Gosh you seemed like such a nice person, how disgusting you look now that I know this about you; I'm going to back away a little. Or, Andria: I am glad you are finding a way to deal with this neighbor, here, let me pat you on the back.)
What about my family? (Andria: Geez, why do you need to write a public blog about your really careless money situation, drama queen. Or, Andria: I love you sister/daughter/cousin/etc. and am proud to know you and see your journey unfold, warts and all.)
What about my coworkers? (Andria: *coworker clears throat awkwardly* I saw your blog post about your spending; sitting in the cubicle next to you all these years, I would have never guessed that someone who sounds so smart could make such really really stupid financial decisions. Or, Andria: I love reading your crazy blog posts, and I'm a total money loser too, so glad we can laugh together about it!)
Here goes nothing....
So from here on out, I'm going to do it. Type up every last little word and number associated with my giant tidal wave of shame. Let it out there for the world to see, for the sunlight to heal.
Oh, what will my friends think? (Andria: you're such a failure, gross, what a mess you are. Or, Andria: thank goodness you shared this, no soul should bear that burden alone, let me hug you friend.)
What about my neighbors? (Andria: Gosh you seemed like such a nice person, how disgusting you look now that I know this about you; I'm going to back away a little. Or, Andria: I am glad you are finding a way to deal with this neighbor, here, let me pat you on the back.)
What about my family? (Andria: Geez, why do you need to write a public blog about your really careless money situation, drama queen. Or, Andria: I love you sister/daughter/cousin/etc. and am proud to know you and see your journey unfold, warts and all.)
What about my coworkers? (Andria: *coworker clears throat awkwardly* I saw your blog post about your spending; sitting in the cubicle next to you all these years, I would have never guessed that someone who sounds so smart could make such really really stupid financial decisions. Or, Andria: I love reading your crazy blog posts, and I'm a total money loser too, so glad we can laugh together about it!)
Here goes nothing....
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